Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Hannah Montana Conspiracy: The Movie

Recently, my friend Cray has been trying to distract me with this weird little cube we found in our office building. She's been twittering everywhere asking people to help her hook the thing up. I think she's going an awfully long way to make fun of me.

April Fools is over, Cray.

Her distractions are in vain though. I'm on to something HUGE!

As you may know (and likely do from the incessant crowds of tweens that won't shut up), the Hannah Montanna Movie is set to be released on Friday. This normally not a big deal. Movies are released on Fridays all the time. However, this isn't just any Friday. This Friday is April 10th, 2009. GOOD FRIDAY!

I'm sure you're all familiar with Miley Cyrus' pro-Jesus Easter message last year. For those of you that missed it, here it is:

“Jesus rocks! I sing, act and dance for Jesus! Now that I think about it, I do everything for Jesus. We do YouTube videos for Jesus. We’re all about it." -Miley Cyrus, March 2008

Now, of course, this is a weird quote. Look at the wording on it. It seems so fake and disgenuine. It seems forced. Most people would assume it's a joke or obvious pandering, but what does a mega-millions star have to gain from an obvious ploy the media will pick up on? She talks like Jesus is alive and constantly keeping an eye on her. It's like she KNEW someone would find this...

That's when it struck me. Jesus IS watching her.

Stay with me on this one, it may seem like a stretch, but I assure you, the signs are there.

We all know Disney is one giant massive American conglomerate. Every intelligent person has doubtlessly noticed Disney's near blatant Christian pandering despite obviously being less innocent than it acts. A network that shows flirtatious actions in 12 year-olds identifies itself as Christian.

It was even parodied on a recent South Park episode involving the Jonas Brothers and the usage of Purity Rings.

Disney goes out of its way to pass its stars off as good christians even when they're not. Their fakeness can be almost unsettling. And yet, their stock remains up, even in a CRASHING American economy. What is their secret?

Jesus. Jesus is their secret.

This may be unsettling for some of you, but I've thought it through. The constant intoning of christian TV stars under the Disney/Time Warner conglomerate. It's a code phrase. It's an identification marker of a secret society that pre-dates the Illuminati or the Free Masons.

But Bertram, you may be saying, Christianity has been around for over 2000 years and is one of the largest religions in the world. Why would a secret society create a popular religion to keep itself secret? The answer is simple. They never intended it that way.

Around 15 A.D. a group of men formed a secret society with the intent of furthering their own plans for world domination by overthrowing the Roman Empire. Once the Roman Empire was out of their way, they'd slowly eat away at the government infrastructures and weedle their way in. Once they had members in each tier of government, they'd spread their influence. How did they keep themselves secret? Through Jesus.

For those of you that know your history, Jesus wasn't the ONLY savior going around during the beginning of the first century. The movie "Life of Brian" is actually somewhat accurate in this sense. Well, this secret society, that we will now refer to as the Christian Illuminati for ease of reading, created a fake savior and fake apostles. These were the original members of the Christian Illuminati. They slowly increased membership through their fake sermons and those smart enough to decode it. Their ideals were just weird enough to give hints without raising suspicion.

Unfortunately, something happened that they didn't expect. People started taking their savior seriously.

This left them in a bind. Their subtle attempts to overthrow the Romans were now in the public. Their secret was in danger of being let out. It was then that their leader, Jesus, made the ultimate sacrifice. He let himself be crucified by the romans in order to alleviate the suspicion off his fellow members of the Christian Illuminati. The Last Supper was his last set of instructions, a brilliant plan that is still being enacted today.

Things started going uphill from there. People started taking Christianity even more seriously. Eventually, the spread of Chrisitianity lead to their original goal, the downfall of the Roman Empire. The Christian Illuminati formed the Catholic Church and found themselves in the seat of power they desired. However, they needed a way to keep their power.

So, they milked the accidental success of their religion, and used their knowledge of reading and writing to fake a set of moral teachings. They created a Christian Heaven and Hell and even a Purgatory in order to scare followers into staying under their religion and not moving to a more tolerant religion.

The plan sustained itself well. People were preaching Christianity soon without even BEING a member of the Christian Illuminati. For CENTURIES there was no possible threat to their power. Governments changed and the seat of power changed, but Christianity was ALWAYS in power even if it had to change its name to do so. Even the invention of movable type was no threat. However, there was something they COULDN'T plan for. The media.

With the advent of the invention of Radio and Television and Motion Pictures, people lost their obsession with Jesus and God and became obsessed with Groucho and Chaplin. For the first time in over a Millenia, the Christian Illuminati was in threat of extinction. They had only one chance for survival. Immerse Christianity INTO the media and become the media itself.

Over the next century, they started recruiting members of popular media into their secret club. They started putting members into EVERY branch of the media. By the time the internet came around, they were already ready. Google itself is a branch of this secret society and is using its power to buy-out any threats to its power, like youtube (which they overloaded with illegal clips of their own shows to keep original content from coming out).

Their greatest triumph was the Time Warner/Disney conglomerate. They now owned the majority of the media. They maintained contact through code phrases.

That's right. All those OBVIOUSLY fake declarations of Christianity in non-Christian stars... They're tags to make sure that their people know who they are. Unfortunately, some people ARE that serious about Christianity and the code phrases are having to get more and more ridiculous. The Chastity Rings they hand out at schools were an attempt at another signal (seriously, who's going to openly declare themselves THAT into Chastity), but it backfired when what they thought would be something NO ONE would take became something EVERYONE was taking to.

I've already exposed Ryan Seacrest as a secret agent, but up until now, I always thought he was an agent for the US Government. Now, I realize he is a secret agent for the Christian Illuminati... or maybe he's a double agent for the Illuminati, trying to help them regain power. He acts Christian, but he never outright says it, and he's as close to Hollywood's biggest stars as everyone. Maybe he's trying to connect with the leaders and find out what their up to.

When you think about it, Miley Cyrus' weird Jesus message makes sense.

“Jesus rocks! I sing, act and dance for Jesus! Now that I think about it, I do everything for Jesus. We do YouTube videos for Jesus. We’re all about it." -Miley Cyrus, March 2008

She is communicating with her Christian Illuminati masters, but about what?

Isn't it obvious? Easter and Christmas may not be REAL holidays when you accept the truth about the Christian Illuminati, but they are still important dates. They are the dates when the major players in this secret society meet to discuss their plans and how they relate to Jesus' Last Supper.

The messages around Easter, the release of a major movie on Good Friday so kids are nearly gauranteed to see it with their parents on Easter Sunday. The Christian Illuminati is trying to distract us. Something big is coming down, this weekend. ALL of the key members will be meeting in one place, but I do not know where.

We may not know the impact of it immediately, but it's coming. April 10th, 2009 is important to them somehow... Maybe the last plan of Jesus' Last Supper comes to fruition this year.

Ryan Seacrest has been unnusually active as of late too. Some might say its because we're in the prime part of the American Idol season, but it doesn't take a lot of effort to be a disgenuine jackass on TV. What's he doing with all that extra time? He's trying to find out their secret plot. He's trying to reveal it and stop it before we're all enslaved by our Christian masters until the end of time.

So, I'm sending out this call for help. I NEED to find out what Jesus and the Christian Illuminati are planning for this weekend. We may all be doomed if we can't figure it out.

If you have any information pertaining to this conspiracy, you contact me at my number at Electron Innovations at: 972-EI2-5439

Oh, and if it's not obvious by now, I urge you, DO NOT SEE THE HANNAH MONTANNA MOVIE THIS WEEKEND.

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